what do you do with those feelings and thoughts too horrible to be said aloud?  do you post them in a blog? do you send a postcard to postsecret? do you actually have someone you can tell those deep dark secrets to?

i think i have a limit – a limit on the things i can tell even my closest friends.  i grew up in a very secretive family and i’ve always tried to be as open as i can with my life as an adult.  but some things, i’m just too ashamed to say aloud.  and yet, all those things i’ve bottled up eat at me more and more.

i’m a gemini.  i’m a bunch of contradictions and mixed signals.  i’m the twin sign.  i’m wish-washy.  i’m a mix of the ying and the yang.  i’m emotional and yet i hate talking about things.  i think too much, bottle it up, and then all of a sudden i blurt out a million things at once.  none of which makes sense.  things i’ve held onto for who knows how long.

growing up i used tell myself, “nothing lasts forever. you’ll get through this. there’s something better waiting for you.” and those thoughts are quite honestly the only thoughts that kept me going most days.  and here i am at 30, telling myself the same thing.

my biggest fear is that i’m just lying to myself. that i’ll never create *that* day.  the day in which i’ll feel happy.  i’ll feel at peace.  i’ll feel normal.  i’m not even sure i know what it’ll take to feel happy and peaceful and normal.  i just know i have to keep trying.  i have to keep moving forward and hope i don’t completely lose myself in the process.

places i need to go

lately, i’ve been on this travel kick.  my dear friend and her husband are world travelers.  they knew once they had kids they wouldn’t be able to travel as much so they really tried to pack in as many trips before as possible.  and they have inspired me to see the world.

europe.  i need to go to europe.  london is top on my list.  berlin.  copenhagen. paris. those are my top 4.

the biggest trip i want of all is japan.  one of my closest friends is also japanese and she and i were just talking today about taking an epic girl’s trip to see japan.  really see it.  we both aren’t very japanese (for very different reasons – she can at least speak it and knows more about the culture) and we think it would be amazing to just go and explore.  blog, photograph, and videotape our way through japan.  time to win the lottery!

Tri Training!

I’ve become a gym rat lately.  I never used to be.  I hated working out – mostly because I always felt so bad about myself and how unfit I was.  Lame, I know because you have to start somewhere!  (I love that saying about no matter how slow you’re going, you’re passing everyone sitting on the couch or something like that).  Anyway, it was hard finding the time to workout with adjusting to school this last spring.  I had wanted to do a sprint triathlon that was earlier this month but once I started school back in January I knew there was no way I could train.

But this summer I will be free.   I won’t be going back to school til the end of August, so my friend found a sprint triathlon for September 6th.  And I am SO doing it.

I haven’t swam in who knows how many years and I don’t own a bike BUT I’m doing it!  It’s a 400 yard swim, 12 mi bike ride, and 3.1 mile run (and of all those, I’m most comfortable with the bike ride!) I might be crawling at the finish line, but I don’t care!  I’m going to do it!

Of course I’ll try to write about my training, what I’m doing, etc.  I have some awesome friends I get to train with and help motivate me!

I can breathe!

Spring term has come to an end.  Time for a little break!  WOO HOO!!

I took my last final yesterday and a completely done!  Now I just have to wait for my final grades.

It has been so nice the last few days – not feeling like I had a million things to do in a 20 hour time frame.  I was actually able to clean my house and get caught up on laundry (we had a stomach bug run through the house and it took it about 10 days to hit everyone).  Anyway, it feels good to feel “normal” again.

Today we made banana bread and we’ve got play dates planned with our friends.  Then in a couple weeks we will be meeting up with Grandma and Grandpa who will drive them back to Indiana for four weeks!  I am so grateful for this time to recharge my batteries!

Got Noah all registered for preschool and I finally got Zoe’s packet to get her registered for kindergarten.  KINDERGARTEN.  When the heck did that happen?!  And the supply list is intense!  I’m so glad she was in preschool this year.  I think she’s really prepared for kindergarten.  We just have to deal with the selective mutism issue.  (That’s a whole other blog post!)

Then I was thinking, “Oh.  I have to buy school clothes and supplies for two kids this year. Better start setting aside money!” :-)

OH!  Let me share one pic with you!  For one of my final projects I had to make “wearable art”.  So, I made a dress out of paper.  Fashion magazine pages to be exact.  Something poetic about creating fashion with the pages of fashion…At least in my simple mind!  I was pretty happy with how it turned out.  Next time, I’m buying a dress form so I don’t have to use Zoe’s standing mirror!

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So, how long has been since I’ve written?!  Get ready for a lot of pics.

1) Noah went like 6 months without a haircut because the last time I took him he FREAKED out.  Then I started to get oddly attached to his long hair.  But alas … I said enough is enough and we took him to this fun kid’s haircut place and they did a FANTASTIC job! Super patient, really nice, and Noah didn’t cry once!  Yes, we bribed him with a Dum-Dum during his haircut and rewarded him with another one after. My philosophy is, Do What Works.  It’s not like he eats them every day.

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2) I was organizing some things and found my “year book” from when I was a senior at this ridiculously horrible charter school.  I want to know where this girl went!  Almost everything I find from high school is this super confident, strong, determined teenager.  And I don’t know where she went!!  But I’m slowly finding her again.  This picture is from when I first chopped off my hair as a rebellion towards my mother.  I knew she’d hate it but I was almost 18 and at this point engaged to my husband, so I figured “What is she gonna do to me?!”  She told me I looked like a lesbian. Don’t ask what I’m doing to my shirt in this pic, I have no idea. But I still adore the quote I chose. And seriously, what didn’t I want to be?!  I’ve wanted to be everything under the sun!

20141126_1339473) Zoe and I made cookies one day to bring to a play date we were having the next day.  She knows her dad has a serious weakness for cookies, so she made him this sign.  And she was definitely serious about it.  It says, “You can have 1 cookie”.  The picture she drew is of a cookie jar with lots of cookies and there’s dad, only taking ONE.  And that’s pretty much how she explained it to me ha!

20141204_2115404) We went to Tony’s annual holiday party at work.  It’s geared towards kids which is really awesome.  They had a couple bounce houses and slides, donuts and coffee, face painting, cotton candy, and even some crafts. The station he works for, recently bought another local station so they will be merging in the next 9-12 months and all going under one roof.  So this year the party was at the station they just bought (where everyone will move to).  We got to take a tour (and this building is HUGE.  I seriously got lost), Santa was there and he even brought a couple gifts! Zoe was SO excited to see Santa and then she got up there and would NOT smile for a single picture.



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5) Just this last Friday we took a field trip to Schenpf Farms, for a field trip with Zoe’s preschool.  I brought Noah which was a little challenging because he’s my wild child, but we had fun and we survived! (I have an update on Noah’s speech therapy and we just started occupational therapy, so I’ll try to write about that next time.) We got to pick radishes, pet some goats and see some animals, and then at the end we took a hayride and saw some deer! Oh and we had a picnic lunch with our friends.

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6) Saturday we had a date night, which like NEVER happens.  But we got tickets to see Alice Cooper’s Christmas Pudding concert.  It’s an annual concert to benefit his Solid Rock Teen Center here in Phoenix.  It was really awesome but it was 6 hours long.  I almost fell asleep.  Those empty-nesters really know how to P-A-R-T-Y.  Like seriously.  They were going strong all night!  I realized I’m an awkward age.  Not young enough to where loud music is ‘awesome’ and ‘cool’.  But not old enough to where loud music is helpful and allows me to hear better.  It’s just TOO loud. ;-)

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7) Tony had a pretty awesome week at work.  He met two rock legends.  First, he got to meet Mick Fleetwood.  He interviewed him for a story about his photographs that he had up in a Scottsdale art gallery.  Then the next day he got to meet Alice Cooper.  He got to follow Alice Cooper around … I can’t remember what the story was about … I think the teen center.  So, that made it even more fun to see him perform.  (Along with some other really awesome and legendary people like Nils Lofgren and Jonny Lang….)  I will admit, I didn’t know many of the songs, much to my husband’s horror.  I did not grow up in a rock n roll house.  My parents didn’t even let me listen to the radio because they told me there was subliminal messaging.  They were also the people that believed KISS were Satan worshipers.  What I know about classic rock, I learned from my husband.

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I’ve been trying some new makeup and playing around.  I plan on writing about that soon and as I mentioned, I have some new things to share about Noah!  Oh and I still don’t have a Christmas tree.  We are getting one on Sunday or my friend will kill me and continue to call me Scrooge ha.  I was in the Christmas mood and then it left me.  And if we didn’t have kids, I probably wouldn’t even get a tree this year.  I think it’s the weather … It does not feel like Christmas! OHHHH AND I’m gonna share some new workout things I’ve been doing.  I totally changed up my schedule and am taking a few different classes that I LOVE including a new one they just added, barre conditioning.

I’ll see you back here SOON!  Have a fabulous Monday!

my favorite time of year.

I absolutely love fall and winter.  I love the holidays. I love the cold crisp air (and yet I live in AZ. Sigh.)  I love any excuse to shop for other people. I just love the feelings I get around this time of year.

I don’t get too caught up in the hustle and bustle.  I don’t run people over with my cart trying to get a good deal.  I don’t stress out about what to get for people.  I just try to have fun, drink lots of cocoa, and bake.

We had a nice Thanksgiving yesterday.  Although husband took over my kitchen duties.  Which I know, I should be “thankful” for.  But I COOK, like REALLY cook, 2 times a year.  Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I had my recipes all organized and ready and I was actually looking forward to cooking. Then he just took over my stuffing and my potatoes.  He said he was “helping” me but really he just made me confused and got me all out of whack.  He and I function very differently in the kitchen and we can’t both be in the kitchen at the same time.

His family came over so there were 8 of us total.  It was a nice relaxing day.  And not that I’m bias or anything but I made the BEST pies.  Chocolate cream for Opa.  Maple-Pumpkin Cream because it’s Thanksgiving and we needed something pumpkin.  Those I made from scratch.  Baking is definitely my forte. Husband hates baking so he stayed out of the way.

Anyway, here is a picture from our family. Hope you had a lovely day too.  Now, who’s ready for Christmas?!  HA!  (Not me but I’m in the spirit!)


i broke up with my scale.

…. and you should too!

I used to weigh myself weekly.  But I decided it just wasn’t working for me, so I ended things.

Here’s what happens. I put in all this hard work throughout the week.  Feel great.  Think to myself, “Wow!  Surely I dropped half a pound or one pound!”, only to get on the scale and discover I gained 3 pounds!  And I’m REALLY sick of hearing, “Maybe it’s muscle.”  Because I really doubt that!  The feeling of complete disappointment and discouragement would make want to quit (or I would quit for a few days).

My solution is to just stick to measuring my waist, hips, thigh, calf, arm, and chest.  I was worried it wouldn’t be accurate – what if I don’t measure in the exact same spot I did last time but I think for the most part it won’t be off by that much.  And who knows how accurate my scale actually is!

Ultimately, I know it’ll help keep my disappointment to a minimum.  And that’s key … It’ll keep me from quitting!

Who knows.  Maybe in a few months I’ll get the scale out again and do monthly weigh-ins?  I’ll have to just see how it goes I think.